The Battle…

The Battle…

Living as someone who is overweight is a battle.  It is a constant fight with yourself.  “I should get some exercise.”  “Nah.  I don’t want to…I’m too tired.”  “I shouldn’t eat that.”  “But I want it!  Just this once…” “I should lose some weight.”  “I’ll start tomorrow….right after I eat this.”  Sometimes you win that battle, sometimes you lose.  Obviously, most of the time, I lost.  If I had been winning, I wouldn’t have watched the scale go down 5 pounds and up 10…or down 60 and up 80.   Down and up, down and up, until I finally hid the scale and stopped weighing myself.  I couldn’t face it anymore, so I didn’t.  I gave up the fight.

Just because I gave up, that didn’t mean the problem just went away.  As much as I tried to hide from it, I was reminded every day.  Every time I looked in the mirror, put on clothes, went shopping, traveled, got into or out of a car…or a chair…or pretty much did anything moving around in the world.  Since I had given up, I just got used to it.  This was my life.  I was the fat girl.  I didn’t really know how to be anyone else, so I stopped trying.

Last year, by the grace of God, I decided that enough was enough.  I decided to start fighting again.  Little by little, one decision at a time, it became my life.  Now, for the first time, I’m not fighting any more.  I’m not giving up either.  I’m living.  I am finally free.

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